I post on message boards during work.

I drink immoderately, often alone and on weekends before noon. I'd rather be a good liver than have one.

I turn around to assess the posteriors of attractive women in public and make no effort to conceal the deed even from my girlfriend.

I have impure thoughts.

I habitually use unseemly language in mixed company.

I sometimes don't vacuum for days.

I frequently neglect to read the newspaper to which I'm subscribed.

I am filled to the brim and overflowing with virtue of every stripe. Except for the endless orgies, of course.