A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street, deep in discussion of the mysteries of the godhead.  An apple-cheeked lad rides past them on his bicycle and the Priest stops in mid-stride to watch the young fellow pedal away.  As he resumes walking the Priest exclaims: "God, I'd like to screw him!"

Perplexed, the Rabbi asks: "Out of what?"

Elderly man goes to the doctor to get the results of medical tests.
Doctor: "Mr. Schwartz, the tests show you have cancer and Alzheimer's"
Mr. Schwartz: "Oy, thank God I don't have cancer!"

A fabric manufacturer on Seventh Avenue is distraught over not forecasting fabric trends correctly.  When corduroy is hot, he's in denim, when denim is hot, he's in flannel.  He can't take it any longer and jumps off his building.  As he falls to the ground, he glimpses inside the showroom of his most successful competitor and as he proceeds to fall, he passes his own showroom and hollers through the window to his partner: "C-U-T 
V---E----L-----V--------E----------T!!!!!

Three little ducks go into a Bar...............................



"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddle all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

Donald and Daisy Duck got married but it wasn’t working out, so Donald hired a divorce lawyer. 

On the day of the trial, Donald’s lawyer began his opening statement: “You honor, Mr. Duck is seeking a divorce on the grounds that Mrs. Duck is mentally unstable.”

Donald jumps up and says, “Hold on.  That’s not the reason at all.”

The judge inquires, “Then what are your grounds for divorce from Mrs. Duck?”

Donald explains, “Adultery.  Like I told my lawyer, she’s fucking Goofy.”

(It is a well accepted principle of comedy that anything involving a duck is funny.)

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn. A gamekeeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's fu' ae coo's shite an pish!' The man replies, 'My good fellow, I'm a Member Of Parliament on holiday during the recess. Could you repeat that in plain English for me?' The keeper replies, 'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!

Q: What does a lawyer wear to court?

A: A lawsuit.

The Church boy scouts go on a day trip to France. On the way back the plane develops a fault. The scoutmaster turns to the Priest and says, 'Father, there are two parachutes. You take one and I'll take the other and let's save ourselves.' The Priest says, 'But what about the boys?' to which the Scoutmaster replies, 'Screw the boys!'. The Priest says, 'Is there time?'

Last edited by Grossgrain Silk (2010-02-02 13:29:44)

A woman walks into her lawyer's office on Monday morning and says, 'I have an appointment with Mr Jones'. The receptionist sniffs and replies, 'I'm dreadfully sorry but Mr Jones died over the weekend'. The woman leaves.

The next day the same woman comes back and says she has an appointment with Mr Jones and the receptionist tells her, again, that Mr Jones is dead.

The next day the same woman comes back and says she has an appointment with Mr Jones. The receptionist says 'I told you on Monday and yesterday that Mr Jones is dead. Why do you keep coming back in here and asking to see him?'

The client replies, 'I just love hearing it.'

The bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

        "Emma come first.
        Den I come.
        Den two asses come together.
        I come once-a-more!
        Two asses, they come together again.
        I come again and pee twice.
        Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!" she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex  lives!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."