Well except for this one I was told today by a young cow orker:

Man, slightly sleazy, but not overly so, to woman:
l
" I was going to tell you a joke about my penis  - but it's too long"

Woman to man:

"That's alright, I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina - but you'll never get it"

^ or " I have a few - too few to mention"

Doctor - "I have some good news and bad news."
Patient - "I'll hear the good news first."
Doctor - "We have found a perfect match for your kidney transplant."
Patient - "Brilliant! So what's the bad news?"
Doctor - "The donor is Amy Winehouse."

I really like the above jokes.They are very awesome.I have to hold my stomach for few minutes.i really looking forward to some other good jokes.I love jokes as make me smile and laugh.

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynaecologist".

HER diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.  I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.  Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.  He agreed, but he didn't say much.  I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing."  I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.  He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.  On the way home, I told him that I loved him.  He smiled slightly, and kept driving.  I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too'.  When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.  He continued to seem distant and absent.  Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.  About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.  He fell asleep - I cried.  I don't know what to do.  I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.  My life is a disaster.


HIS diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.

Religion is like having a big penis: stop trying to shove it down people's throats.

A woman's husband died, and she was making the arrangements for the funeral.  She tells the undertaker, "My husband only had one suit, and it's getting old and ratty looking.  When he was alive, he always dreamed of owning a beautiful double breasted navy chalkstripe suit.  If you could arrange for him to be buried in one, I'd be willing to pay whatever it costs."

The undertaker tells her that he'll do what he can, and at the funeral, she's delighted to see her husband laid out in a glorious suit that looks like it was made specifically for him.

After the funeral, she asks the undertaker how much she owes him for the suit.  He tells her it's free.

"Free!" she exclaims, "How is that possible.  That suit must have cost you a couple thousand dollars!"

"Not at all," the undertaker replies, "You see, right after your husband was brought in, another gentleman, I believe he was a banker who expired at work, was brought to me, and he was wearing the beautiful suit you saw on your husband.  I remembered your request, so I looked at the two men carefully.  They were approximately the same size and build, so it only took me about fifteen minutes to cut their heads off and switch them."

A redneck decides he wants to better himself so he goes down to the local community college to sign up for classes.

He meets with a student adviser to get some guidance on what classes to take.  The adviser tells him, "You should take some English classes, a math class, maybe some history courses and a logic course."

"What's logic?" the redneck asks.

"I'll give you an example," the adviser says, "Do you own a lawnmower?"

"Yeah, I do," says the redneck.

"Well, from that little bit of information, I can logically assume that you have a yard to mow, so you must live in a house.  I see you're wearing a wedding ring, so I can logically assume that you're married.  And from the tattoo that says 'Linda' on your forearm, I an assume that you're married to a woman and therefore a heterosexual."

"Wow!" the redneck says, "You can tell all that from using logic?"

"Yep," the adviser says.  The redneck is so impressed, he signs up for classes.

On the way home, he stops by the tavern.  One of his friends is in there having a drink. "Where you been?" the friend asks.

"Down at the college, signing up for classes."

"What kind of classes," his friend asks.

"History, English, math and logic," the redneck replies.

"What's logic?" asks his friend.

"Well," the redneck says, "I'll show you.  Do you own a lawnmower?"

"No," the friend replies.

The redneck narrows his eyes and says, "You're queer, ain't ya?"

A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The manager tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so Hamish hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's General Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scotsman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Hamish returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?”

Hamish replies: "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return:"

I've got a job playing triangle in a reggae band.  I just stand there and ting.