The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning.

Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read the Captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."

"Well, is it true?" asked the Captain, knowing full well it was.

"Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.

"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the Captain sternly.

Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So .. what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years ... I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said , "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for . . a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the Stupid map again.

That was 6 jokes for today.

Religious woman is upset over her badly behaving parrot who keeps repeating,"Hi, I'm a hooker, let's have fun." Desperate for advice on what to do, she visits her rabbi, who suggests that her parrot needs positive role models and that her parrot meet his 2 exemplary parrots, which spend all day in their cage praying and studying the Torah.  Woman returns with her parrot and the rabbi puts it into the cage with his 2 parrots, who are in the midst of deep prayer and immersed in the Torah.  Woman's parrot greets the rabbi's parrots with, "Hi, I'm a hooker, let's have fun," whereupon one of the rabbi's parrots turns to the other parrot and says, "You can put the Torah away, our prayers have finally been answered."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eB6vPwwBGGs
lol.

A husband and wife are in a serious car crash. The husband is fine but the wife had serious injuries. The husband asks the doctor how his wife was doing. The doctor says "Sir, I have bad news for you. Your wife will be a quadraplegic. She will require you to do everything for her. You will need to feed her, bathe her, wipe her when she goes to the bathroom. She will need you to carry her up stairs, into your car, anywhere you go. You will no longer be able to have sex with her,  and she will require your constant attention forever". The husband breaks down into tears and starts yelling, "Why, why, why??". The doctor says, "I was just f$cking with ya, she's dead!"

US Senator Hillary Clinton goes to her gynecologist for a check-up, and the doctor says 'everything looks fine, but I have some news for you: you're pregnant'. Hillary goes beserk and storms out to her waiting limousine. As they speed off, she calls her husband Bill. When the phone is answered, she says, 'How could you do this to me you stupid son of a bitch!? You got me pregnant!!' After a long pause, she hears Bill's voice whisper, 'who is this?'

Last edited by Lord Hillyer (2007-04-02 14:35:58)

I know this is in poor taste, so apologies in advance...

Elderly man visits his doctor for results of medical tests...

Doctor: Mr. Schwartz, the test results show you have cancer and Alzheimers
Mr. Schwartz: Thank God I don't have cancer.

Last edited by Terry Lean (2007-04-03 01:17:18)

lolol. this will give you a good ab workout:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQka7o0vYHo

Two hobos are walking along the railroad tracks, when one of them smells a horrible stench. He turns to the other and asks him, "Did you crap your pants?"

"Nope," replies the other.

They continue for a while, but the stench is getting worse, so the first hobo asks the other one, "Are you sure you didn't crap your pants?"

"Yeah, I'm sure," he replies.

After they've gone on for a while, the stench is truly beyond human endurance. The first hobo suddenly whips around behind the other one and yanks down his pants. Sure enough, they contain a king-size dump reeking like blazing glory in the noonday sun.

"I thought you said you didn't crap your pants," he hollars.

The other hobo, nonplussed, protests, "I thought you meant today!"