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#151 2013-05-29 14:17:20
- Bishop of Briggs
- Member
- Posts: 3948
Re: Joke of the Day
My favourite film is a great French movie called "AND".
It was released in the UK as "ET".
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#152 2013-05-29 14:20:04
- Bishop of Briggs
- Member
- Posts: 3948
Re: Joke of the Day
I got chatting to a girl in a club, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."
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#153 2013-05-29 14:21:11
- TheExpandingMan
- Member
- Posts: 841
Re: Joke of the Day
I had lunch at a new restaurant on the moon.
The food was good, but there was no atmosphere.
#154 2013-05-29 14:22:08
- Bishop of Briggs
- Member
- Posts: 3948
Re: Joke of the Day
Young Jimmy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey’s died.’
Jimmy replied, ‘Well then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’
Jimmy said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’
Jimmy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead donkey!’
Jimmy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Jimmy and asked, ‘ What happened with that dead donkey?’
Jimmy said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898′
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Jimmy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.’
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#155 2013-05-29 14:35:11
- TheExpandingMan
- Member
- Posts: 841
Re: Joke of the Day
How many blues fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to argue about how much better the original bulb was.
#156 2013-06-05 15:58:37
- Bishop of Briggs
- Member
- Posts: 3948
Re: Joke of the Day
A shoo joke
An Irishman goes for a job as a Blacksmith.
Man asks him "Have you got any experience shoeing horses?"
"No", says the Irishman, "but I once told a donkey to feck off."
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#157 2013-06-05 16:09:29
- Liam
- Moderator
- Posts: 2068
Re: Joke of the Day
^love that one.
A mate told me one on Saturday. Really bad but so bad it was good.
Policeman pulls over a speeding motorist
The man rolls down his window
Policeman "what's your name, son?"
Man "Jimmy Tatty"
Policeman " come on, your proper name"
Man " OK OK, James Potato"
Told you it was bad...
"Plup." Jimmy Frost Nachtman.
#158 2013-06-12 14:44:58
- Bishop of Briggs
- Member
- Posts: 3948
Re: Joke of the Day
A guy bursts into a busy bar brandishing a gun screaming "who the ****'s been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back shouts back "you ain't brought enough ammo!"
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#159 2013-06-12 16:28:53
- TheExpandingMan
- Member
- Posts: 841
Re: Joke of the Day
A teenager is playing a game on his computer when his grandfather stops by for a visit.
"It's a damn shame," Grampa says, shaking his head, "how you kids are always playing those computer games. Why, when I was your age, I went to the Moulin Rouge in Paris, got drunk, fucked all the dancers and left without paying! Now that's living!"
A month later, Grampa stops by again and sees his grandson lying on the couch, badly beaten and near death.
"Holy shit," Grampa says, "What happened to you, boy?"
"Well, Grampa," the grandson explains, "I thought about what you said about living, so we went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, got drunk, fucked all the dancers and left without paying. The bouncers got a hold of us and beat us almost to death."
"Jesus," Grampa says, "Who did you go with?"
"A couple of my friends," the grandson replies, "Why, who did you go with?"
Grampa replies, "The SS."
#160 2013-06-12 16:33:55
- adorable homunculus
- Member
- Posts: 816
Re: Joke of the Day
Last edited by adorable homunculus (2013-06-12 16:35:23)
We dont need any of the clothes we buy except as a means to be the star in the film of our life populated by constructs - FNB
#161 2013-06-22 12:43:06
- Bishop of Briggs
- Member
- Posts: 3948
Re: Joke of the Day
Over lunch at an International Conference, English and Scottish gynaecologists are discussing their recent cases.
The Scottish gynaecologist - " Only last week, there wiz a wummin who came to see me and her clitoris. Well, it wiz like a melon!"
English gynaecologist - "Don't be absurd! It couldn't have been that big, my good man. She wouldn't have been able to walk if it was that size".
Scottish gynaecologist " Aahhh ye English, there ye go again! Always talkin' aboot the size. Ah wiz talkin' aboot the flavour!"
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#162 2013-07-08 10:53:28
- TheExpandingMan
- Member
- Posts: 841
Re: Joke of the Day
Two consultants meet in a bar.
One of them says, "You're fine, how am I?"