The curtains should always match the carpet.

Dear FNB,

If whilest in company I ever 'let one fly' (you know, "Cheer from the Rear" as you Americans say) I usually blame it on the dog, a lovely old Golden Lab. called Fuckwit. If she is absent then I usually blame my dear old Mother who is in fact slightly deaf and loves to notice that everybody in the room is suddenly looking at her. How she smiles and nods!

My problem is that increasingly I spend my evenings alone with Mrs Sparrow (A woman of limited toleration) and I am concerned that she might be beginning to have an inkling that it's all been me all along.
I've tried to counter her reproachful looks by saying "You poor woman, you don't even know you're doing them, do you?" But I am not convinced that I have her tricked.

What to do?

I cannot afford divorce and to lose face at home would be unacceptable to me.

Yrs,

Sartorious Rex.

Last edited by jack_sparrow (2007-08-15 08:20:13)

LOOOOOOOOOOL, this thread is making me laugh so hard that my secretary is looking at my funny.

Dear FNB,

Hypothetically-speaking, precisely how many helium-filled balloons would it take to help Sambo, my girlfriend's 11 lb. male cat, achieve lift-off?

Dear FNB,

I am sitting slightly too close to the fire (we're burning the remains of a lovely old Beech that came down in last year's storms), and my feet are getting rather hot. A small amount of smoke is just starting to issue from my slippers (Drapers, btw).

What should I do?

Please answer quickly, I'll remain here until I hear from you.

http://www.shoesinternational.co.uk/product.cfm?stockNumber=13107

Quo Vardis,

Sartorious Rex.

Many thanks.

Dear FNB,

Often I tie my tie too tight and nearly choke the life out of myself before I even get to work in the morning (I have an important job).

Should I buy longer ties which would therefore not be so tight?

Che Guevara,

Sartorious Rex.

Dear FNB,

What sort of degrading things should I do, in good conscience as a Gentleman, in order to win a modified ready-to-wear shirt from one of my closest online friends?

Fondly,
Tangent

Dear FNB,

I am abnormally short , but make myself appear much taller by wearing spread collar shirts as these draw the eye to the horizontal plane and away from the vertical.
Where can I get the finest spread collar shirts known to man for the lowest possible price?
I may be short but I'm not stupid.

A Cappella,

Sartorious Rex

Dear FNB,

I find that the higher the value of the order I place with my tailor the greater the deposit he asks me to pay.
Surely common sense dictates that the opposite would be more appropriate?
If I am in a position to place large orders (and I am) then he need not fear that I won't show up to pay him in full & he'll be left with four 34S Double-Breasteds which he can't offload elsewhere.

Whatever happened to a Gentleman's word?

Terra firma,

Sartorious Rex.