A newly opened shopping center had three tailors, all with shops next to each other.

By coincidence, all three tailors were named Jacob Silverstein.

The first tailor put up a sign over his shop that proclaimed: "Jacob Silverstein -- High Class Tailor."

Not to be outdone, the second tailor put up a sign saying: "Jacob Silverstein -- Best Tailor Around."

The third tailor's sign was smaller but said: "Jacob Silverstein's Tailors -- Main Entrance."

Marcus and Brutus, two religious men, went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

"Pincus," Brutus said, "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made us were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black, We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the darkest cloth there is."

Pincus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he said, "See this cloth? It is from this fabric that I make the habits for nuns. In all the world," Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, "there is no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nun's habits from, and it is from this cloth that I'll make your new suits!"

A few weeks later the two religious men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns.
Impulsively, on a whim, one of the men went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held it up against his own.

Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked on.

"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.

"I don't know," she replied. "he looked at my garment, said something in Latin, and left."

"In Latin?" asked the first nun. "What did he say?"

He said, "Marcus, Pincus fuctus."

The new 50" macbook is out!

http://rgbdream.com/library/photos/powerbook50top.jpg

A sailor falls overboard in a storm and swims to a nearby island. There he discovers a dozen or so shipwrecked sailors, all men. He gets to know them and one day asks them what they do for sex. The leader answers:

"Well, you see that island over yonder, it's full of monkeys, mate and we just use that make shift raft and paddle to row over any time we feel the urge."

Sailor: "Hunh, what do you mean exactly?"

Leader: "You row over there, grab a monkey, go to town for an hour or so and then when youre satisfied, row back."

Sailor: "That's the most disgusting, vile thing, Ive ever heard, no way."

A few months pass and the sailor becomes restless. Out of nowhere he runs to the raft and paddles to nearby monkey island. He grabs the first monkey he can get his hands on and has sex with it. Then he hears laughter coming from the island behind him. Turning around, he sees the entire shipwrecked crew on the shore laughing at him.

Sailor: "You bastards, you told me that you come here and have sex with the monkeys when you're desperate!"

Leader: "Aye laddie but we dont have sex with the ugly ones."

The Fisherman and the Investment Banker


The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The fisherman replied, only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years." "But what then?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions.. Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

An Israeli is standing by a cliff, shouting, "99, 99, 99"  An Arab man, curious, approaches the Israeli and asks why he is shouting, "99, 99, 99"  The Israeli pushes the Arab man over the cliff and proceeds to shout, "100, 100, 100"

True???

*****

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I
bet you can't tell me something that will make me feel happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

Two prostitutes are sitting in jail, after a big bust.

The old one looks at the younger girl and enquires, "So, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before?"

The young one says, "No, but I got swung around by it once."